We’re babies in this marriage thing…
Monday, June 21st, 2010Thirteen years of marriage has taught me this:
1) 19 is TOO young to get married.
2) Sometimes stupid, naive decisions work out regardless of the magnitude of fool-hardy…or maybe *because* of it.
3) No matter how awesome a husband is, even if he is HUSBANDLY PERFECTION, he still has a penis. And penis = jerk sometimes.
4) Bryan is a MUCH better father than I thought he was going to be. I knew he would do fine but I wasn’t prepared for his awesomeness.
5) You will learn new things about your spouse often…like, shockingly often–even after you’ve been together for a long time. Mostly good things.
6) No marriage is without it’s problems…most of which can be solved with some combination of sleep, vacation and sex. Sleep is usually the easiest fix to most arguments. Sex is pretty good, too.
7) We have found that those moments where you CannotStandYourSpouseOMGGetAwayFromMeLeaveMeAloneINeedSomeALONETIME are often the times when what your relationship actually needs is for you to hang out together and spend time together.
8 ) It’s probably best to put your spouse before your kids because eventually there will come a point where your kids turn on you. It’s also easier to gang up on the little monsters when the situation calls for it.
9) Each person should have some Blow Money. That is, money set aside equally for both people to spend how they choose–no questions asked.
10) Better to be friends with your spouse than friends with your kids.
11) One person does not own exclusivity on “right” but if I were a wagering woman, I would bet on the Wife when it comes to emotional matters and the Husband when it comes to practical matters.
12) It’s probably best not to put your husband into a situation where telling the truth could hurt your feelings needlessly. I’m thinking, “Do you think I’m as sexy as I was ten years ago?” Because honestly, that’s just self-esteem blow that no one needs.
13) That being said, honesty is a great virtue. So is tact.
14) It’s my philosophy that I would rather my spouse stay in our marriage/in our home/spend time with me because he wants to and Not because I guilt him into it.
15) Just because you tell your husband something multiple times over multiple years does not mean he agrees or even is listening.
16) Children should never be a pawn in a marital disagreement. EVER.
17) I have learned over the years that if I ask Bryan’s opinion and he says, “I don’t care.”, I shouldn’t ask again…and again…and again. I should do what I think. I gave him the chance to say what he thought. If he had an opinion, he should have told me. BUT, THE SAME GOES FOR ME. Oh, and this is my favorite, “What’s wrong?” Or, “What are you thinking about?” Chances are…he really isn’t thinking about anything OR you don’t really want to know.
18) My husband isn’t a mind reader–and I would be willing to bet yours isn’t either. If you want something (say roses, a dinner out, more attention or for him to stop watching the game) ask him.
19) Ask for what you want in Sex. If either of you aren’t satisfied then start experimenting, discussing or showing.
20) Our marriage would not work without My Best Friend. Because God, Bryan would CROAK if Cheyenne weren’t there to listen to me vomit my words, talk me down from the I AM GOING TO KILL HIM ledge, commiserate about everything and generally just be what Bryan cannot be…a Girl–a Best Friend–a Confidante. NEVER expect your husband to be your girl friend. Because he lacks the girl parts necessary–unless he’s a hermaphrodite–then that might actually work.
In our marriage, Bryan and I have gone through some wonderful times where we could conquer the world with our love and our happiness. There have been times when we have watched the fragile glass of our relationship start shattering. Through some combination of love, stubborness and dumb luck, we have managed to keep it together. I think part of it is because even though I LOVE him, he’s my FRIEND. He really is. I ENJOY spending my time with him. It’s like we just fit. But I won’t lie, sometimes, it’s not about the floaty-champagne feeling of love, it’s a hard-fought decision made not on any sort of emotional level but on the nitty-gritty, determine-your-life level. But I do believe that those decisions made in the stark, harsh light of disillusionment and weariness are what actually make a marriage work. If it were easy, it would not be treasured. If hard times are never felt, good times are not appreciated. If love is never a decision then love isn’t a choice.
13 years ago we started on our path. Maybe the decision to join our lives wasn’t one made from the depths of maturity, reason and with a clear-sighted view of what life would really be like but I would do it again. Over and over again. Hard times be damned. I would do it again.