fourstonesoup.com

Everyday, I troll the websites.  I have a set of about six or seven.  I should make a bookmark folder with them but that just seems like I am marking myself “Destined to Forever Be Looking”.

I get excited when I come across something.  “I could do that.”  I think.  Or, “That sounds like fun.”  It’s becoming a little pathetic, really.

This limbo period was a part of the plan.

I used to believe that I was laid-back.  Now, with a smirky half-chuckle, I can admit that I am NOT laid-back.  I am a power-worrier.  I like to have a list or a task and to check it off.  I like to know what’s going on.

So this whole job hunting thing is not working so well for me.  Funny enough, it’s almost a little bit embarrassing to say that I am actively seeking a job, because it’s embarrassing to admit that I don’t have one yet.  Now, let me throw my excuses out there up front so we are all clear on how I am not a loser, mmmkay?

1) In my job market (education), in my area, there is an unprecedented (note: no actual data to support this, just my experience) lack of jobs.  In fact, counties/systems actually shed positions last year and are looking to shed positions again for the upcoming year.  Budgets (federal/state/local) have been cut drastically.

2) For every position, there are hundreds of applicants (note: no actual data to support this, just incidental offerings from higher-ups with whom I have spoken).  One principal said, “I have no positions available and you should see the file folder I have stuffed with resumes.  Awesome resumes from highly qualified people.  There is just no funding to hire them.”  It doesn’t help that, as with most situations, there is some combination of blind luck, political workings and happening to be in the right spot in the right time when those rare positions DO pop up.

3) I did not try very hard to get a job for this current school year.  We were unsure of our daughter’s pre-k situation so it kept us from really pursuing my reemployment.  In fact, it wasn’t in our plan for me to return to teaching until this coming up school year but once we realized that the pre-k situation was going to work out and I could conceivably swing it, it was too late to get a job (not that there were any available, just hypothetically speaking).

But even with all of that rationalization, I have to admit that it really sucks to be on the market.  Once we started realizing what Bryan’s pay cut really means for us and how my income would improve our financial situation (meaning, PUT LIFE into our financial situation), it’s like I am a little obsessive about it.  Extra income.  Life Outside of the House.  Using my brain.  Not relying on the dash (–) for all of my grammar needs (it’s a Comma!  It’s a semi-colon!  It’s what you put when you don’t know what else to use!).  Vacation!  Adults!

{Aside: Yeah, you telling me that it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be (working) DOES NOT HELP.  I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY realize that life is always greener on the other side but I have been chewing this grass for a LOOOONG time so the trade-offs for working are looking mighty fine.  And you reserve the right to bitch about working but wanting to stay home and I reserve the right to dream about disposable income, vacation time, etc.  It’s a trade off, we ALL GET IT!}

I had a stunning realization that the prospects of me getting a teaching job any time in the future are bleak.  So, I started coming up with a long overdue plan to get my Masters Degree.  But the niggling thought that I *should*be working just would not go away.  So here I sit, trolling the sites and looking for an opportunity.  I have decided to go in a different direction than strictly education for my Masters because I don’t want to be stuck in this situation again.  And I figure that even though we will have to take out student loans to get my Master’s degree, that will at least give me a few years for the teaching prospects to improve.  And if not, I can defer my student loans by staying in school to get my Specialist’s Degree.  And if I STILL haven’t found a job, I’m going to be the most educated person who ever wore a fast-food headset because GOD KNOWS I am NOT getting my PhD.

But…

I have been submitting my application for positions outside of teaching.  They are still mainly education-related but not in the classroom.  I examine each posting.  I try to imagine myself giving up my love of teaching to do that job.  I try to see  myself doing it day in and day out.  Honestly, I usually apply anyway because it can’t hurt and there aren’t a ton of jobs that fit into the category of what I am at all qualified to do.  I got a callback today.  Just a preliminary callback.  Not something that will necessarily even lead to anything.  BUT, for that brief instant, it felt GREAT to have a nibble.  To know that possibly, I AM HIREABLE.  The lady I spoke with very frankly said that even after only six days of having that position posted, they had a surprisingly large response.  I guess I am not the only one holding their breath and hitting send.  I am only mildly qualified for this position.  I feel confident I could do a good job but unless I get the chance to show it, they only have my meager resume and cover letter offerings.  She did say that I would not hear anything for at least two weeks about being called in for an interview.

I am totally over-analyzing every word she said.  I am hashing out each nuance.  I am sad and pathetic.  I will continue to power-worry about it for a few days before I get tired of worrying about it and move on.  I hope my husband and my best friend don’t get too tired of me until that point.  They shouldn’t.  This is a fairly predictable pattern with me.

I do not want to speak of this any more.  No asking if I got the interview because it will hurt my fragile ego to say, “No.”  No congratulations on the nibble because until the fish is landed a nibble doesn’t mean much.   This is The Thing About Which We Shall Not Speak.

It’s amazing the conversations that occur when two Moms are  stuck in a 30 minute car rider line together.

The other day, a friend and I were discussing how sucky it is that you only have control over your child’s behavior to a certain age.  And then you have control over their behavior to a certain degree but it gets less and less as the years go on.  We were talking while her son, who is 5 was playing with Malyn, who is 4.  As we were watching them play, I casually mentioned that it’s scary to think that one day, we will be talking with our kids about sex.  And we all know that most people under the age of 24 are too stupid/horny to consider sex in a rational way.  As in sex = (possibly) baby.

I said, “You know, one day *I* could be the Mom to that 15 year old teenage girl who walks in with a pregnancy test and says, ‘I’m pregnant!’”

We sat mulling over that one for a minute before she finally said, “And you know…MY SON could be the father!”

And we both snickered.  And died a little inside.  Then he threw a rock at Malyn and it was all good.  (Okay, so he didn’t really but he probably wanted to.)

So I was telling this story to my best friend and we were trying to decide how we were going to handle the whole sex talk.

{Aside: We live in The South.  There are three or four churches within a mile of my house.  Possibly more.  Mostly people around here handle it strictly in terms of “you do it and die”, “you need to wait to get married”, or “ABSTINENCE IS THE ONLY WAY” if there is any discussion at all.   Even though half of them were fooling around in the car after the football games in high school.  I have No Idea why parents fail to remember the generally stupidity, thoughtlessness and hormonal drives of teenagers.  My thought process goes something like this; if you DID have sex before marriage/significant relationship, if you WANTED to have sex before marriage/significant relationship, if you crossed the line before marriage/significant relationship then why in the HELL would you think your kid isn’t going to?}

So, well, after a brief stop in RantVille, we’ll head back to my discussion with Cheyenne.

Me: Well, I think Malyn is just going to take a ‘vitamin’ until she’s out of college.

Cheyenne: Yea, do you think they come in Flintstone shapes?  (Our family’s vitamin of choice.)   Or gummy shapes? (Her family’s.)

Me:  I don’t know but that’s a GENIUS IDEA!  We could be BILLIONAIRES!

Cheyenne:  Imagine the hate we would for marketing a cherry-flavored birth control pill.

Gosh, I love that girl.

In fact, Cheyenne had company last week and was pretty much unable to talk more than a minute here and there for the entire week and I swear, Bryan started getting all pissy because Cheyenne wasn’t around to use up my words.  It’s like he walked home to a barrage of my inane chatter and finally, he turned to me and said, “Cheyenne’s going to have to lose the house guests or she’s going to GAIN one.”

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On a totally unrelated note, I was struck by the irony (?) in this situation the other day.

I had banned Drew from the TV because his brains were starting to melt out of his ears.  But I was desperately urging my computer to download some school-approved educational software games.  Go figure.