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TMI CODE ORANGE:  Do not read this if you do not want to know anything about my birth control choices, you cringe at the word sperm, you are trying to get pregnant and not having luck or are squeamish about my sex life (squeamish about your own is fine.)  Or if you’re my father.

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Shortly after the birth of our second child, I had an IUD put in.  Best Decision For Me Ever.  I LOVED having an IUD and for the past 5 years, I have had NO PERIOD.  Yes, friends, I have been BLOOD FREE for half a decade.  It’s been awesome.  I have a few beefs with my chosen IUD, Mirena, but obviously nothing serious enough to make me contemplate it’s removal.

A few years after that, Bryan had his vasectomy.  You can read a copy of my thoughts about that particular procedure Here.  (Good Times.)

We took his first…er…’sample’ to the office a few weeks after the surgery and it came back clean.  But since we are the particularly lazy sort of folk, we had never gotten his second sample tested.  It just wasn’t a priority since our birth control needs were covered by my IUD.  Unfortunately, the five year lifespan was up and I scheduled the removal earlier this year.  I reminded Bryan about the second sample issue at the time…and I randomly reminded him as the time drew closer.  Finally, I had my IUD removed (last Monday) and I opted to not have another one inserted just to see if those few issues I had are actually due to the Mirena or are just me going crazy and getting older.  (I think we can all guess what the consensus is…)  Anyway, that night, we realized with stunning clarity that we were no longer absolutely protected against conception.  I mean, sure, he has had a vasectomy.  And his first sample came back completely empty of sperm (dead or alive).  BUT STILL…WHAT IF??!?  We couldn’t be completely sure we were in the safe until we had a second sample tested.  So, last week, I called the doctor to see if they would even look at his sample since it had been so long since the surgery.  They assured me that they would but that the doctor was not going to be in the rest of the week and the earliest he could look at it was Monday (today).  I asked if we could take a sample that day and the nurse said that the doctor was scheduled to leave in 15 minutes.  Now, I felt pretty confident that we could have swung that (although the doctor is 17 minutes from my house) but seeing as Bryan was at work, it was just not happening.  So when I delivered the bad news to Bryan, we resigned ourselves to a prolonged period of abstinence.  For many, many reasons, we are not condom folks and unless there is a medical guarantee of at least 99% on a birth control method, we would NOT risk it (ruling out other forms of protection).

I realize that most people would totally be like, “He’s had a VASECTOMY FERCRYINOUTLOUD!  I THINK IT’S SAFE!’  But see, those people are risk-takers.  They’re the ones who end up with third or fourth children.  They’re the ones who, upon finding out they were expecting again would say something like, “Well, isn’t this a BIG HAPPY SURPRISE!  I suppose it’s Just Meant to Be!  And this can be our MIRACLE BABY!” and Bryan and I would be all “SOB!  WOE!  ADOPTION AGENCIES–WOULD ANYONE LIKE A BRYAN CLONE?”  Because, as much as I Looouuuurve my children, I am DONE! FINITE! NO MORE! about the babies.  Nieces?  Awesome.  Nephews?  Spectacular!  Other People’s Kids?  FABULOUS!  But Not So Much with the Babies for Us.

So abstinence was the name of the game.  And lo, it was a rough week.  And I guess that’s all there is to say about that.  We nearly got divorced before this morning came around.

So I HAPPILY took the sample up there immediately after dropping the kids off this morning and eagerly awaited the return “All Clear” from the nurse–which never came.  I finally called them at around 2:30 and may or may not have left a desperate message in a voice twinged with utter despair and panic.  ”You HAVE TO TELL ME because we may not SURVIVE tonight if you don’t!”

And then the nurse called back and told me that we have the ALL CLEAR and I may have giggled and shouted gleefully into the phone.  And she said, “That certainly is good!”  And woo, boy but she doesn’t know, does she?

Bryan’s boys no longer swim.  And I feel like buying him a beer and heartily congratulating him with a palm-slap on the back.

You’re shooting blanks!  Good Man!  Congratulations!

This past week has been hard.  My niece, Makenna (of my photography website fame) was hospitalized for a few days due to a mystery illness which ended up being a viral…er…thing.  In such small babies, they have to rule out Scary Diagnosis Things like meningitis so the poor little doober had to have a spinal tap.  On the bright side, I got to spend about three hours of uninterrupted time snuggling her without having to fend off my greedy SILs, Sister, children or other assorted family members.

Later that same week, my brother (Makenna’s father), had an accident at work which, at first glanced, seemed of the serious variety (crushed hand, surgery and stuff poking out of the wound).  Good news–No Broken Bones–just some stitches and, if no improvement after a few days, a follow-up with a surgeon.

We have also reached the point in summer where the kids are sick of me and each other…and it’s mutual.  We are ready for a BREAK of the extended time period variety.  We’ve been staving this Frustration Point off with frequent outings including my weekly Hump Chey Day, weekly visits to the library for their summer reading programs, visits to the free movies and play dates and the pool in the evenings but we’ve gotten to the point of desperation.  It doesn’t help that it’s a trillion degrees outside which makes just sending them outside just cruel and unusual punishment except between the hours of 11 pm and 6 am.

But good things abound:

We FINALLY found out that my sister, Dawn is having a GIRL!  A GIRL!  A GGGGGGGIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRLLLLLL!!!!!!!

Another NIECE to adore!  A bookend set for 2010–a girl (Makenna) a boy (Liam, due in September) and a GIRL (as yet unnamed, due in November).

AND, I got my new lights and backdrops this week!  I set them up just to marvel at them and then immediately took them down as I happen to have ballistic wrecking balls careening around the house in the form of two children and a dog.  I am slated to take squishy newborn pictures next week of a friend’s squishy baby girl (squee!) and I am hoping that I didn’t blow my birthday money on useless crap.  Here?  See my NEW lights?  They do NOTHING–they’re mere night lights, really.  They’re here to make me look professional.  I’m just gonna turn on this Home Depot spotlight here and proceed to melt your baybee’s face off.  But aren’t the white towel props SO KEYUUUUUTE?…and absorbent!  A little JAUNDICE, you say?  I CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT!  Photographer/Bilirubin FIGHTER!