Tacky is an expensive look to pull off
***My husband and I are headed to a Tacky Christmas party tonight. We spent $30 at the Goodwill on clothes to look tacky. Why? Who knows. The sad truth is we were talking, on the way home, about how we will probably actually reuse the clothes we got. We Define Tacky. They should just call it a “Bryan and Grace Party”.
***For said Tacky Party, we are supposed to bring a tacky, white elephant gift. My suggestion, “Put a Big Red Bow on the dog and cram her ass into a gift bag.”
Bryan, sadly, vetoed it. I even had a title: The Dog: The gift that keeps on poo-ing.
***Speaking of the dog, our yard now resembles a pasture used to accommodate, oh, about 47 cows. There are poo bombs everywhere. We have relegated a pair of shoes we can both fit into as the Shit Shoes. Oh Pipe Down, Mom, when the kids are around, they’re called the Poo Shoes.
As an aside: The Shit Shoes were formally one of my most used pair of flip flops. Go figure. Also: I have huge feet so Bryan and I wear basically the same size.
As an aside, aside: My MIL once said that she would have figured I would be taller since my feet were SO BIG. She actually snickered when I told her my shoe size.
As an aside, aside, aside: I hate my MIL.
(JUST KIDDING! How can I hate anyone who watches my children Every. Single. Friday.Night through Saturday afternoon? And buys me shoes to minimize the perceived length of my feet. Oh yeah, I’ve figured out her game.)
Annywaaay, Bryan walked outside to take the dog out to pee with some different shoes on and Malyn, our 4 year old daughter, said, “BUT DADDY, THOSE AREN’T THE POO SHOES AND THE POO WILL BE HARD TO GET OFF THE BOTTOM!”
She’s amazingly perceptive. Either that or poo on the shoes is a fairly common occurrence around here. I’ll let you guess.
***Related Not At All To Poo: I am very, very tired of Amazon deeply discounting the toys I have Just depackaged and Wrapped. Very, very tired of it. And if it weren’t for the fact that I still have a smidge more to buy, I would break up with Amazon. But I am Tacky AND Lazy and so will continue to spit and sputter in outrage as I see the Exact Same Toy or The Toy I Didn’t Buy go on lightning sale. See? This is why it’s Bad, Bad to plan ahead.
Tags: Amazon, Christmas, dog, gifts, Goodwill, MIL, Party, poo, regifting, shoes, tacky, while elephant gifts