fourstonesoup.com

****Edited to add: I don’t really know how to describe this.  I should possibly just take it down.  It isn’t in my normal style but it’s basically my interpretation (poetic…er…or not so poetic as the case may be, license taken) of some of the events concerning people in my life right now–some actual face-to-face friends and some in the virtual world.  Sorry if I worried anyone.  Will get back to my normal, irreverent self tomorrow.  Right now must drown my melancholy in chocolate Cadbury Eggs.

People:

A virtual stranger.  Shrouding herself in purple after the death of her daughter.  The little girl a shining example of a medical miracle.  Having already been through so much just to lose all that brilliant, beautiful life when it seemed like it was so bright and possible.  The tragedy and heartache shared across a network of strangers.

A young couple, struggling with a new marriage, a new baby and a growing realization that life isn’t always the easy road no one promised them.  Establishing a new life while trying to reconcile (and ignore) the shadows of their old lives.

Alone.  Lonely.  What went wrong?  How did I get here?  Why wasn’t I enough?  I wonder what he’s doing now…who he’s with…is there someone else?  The unknown possibilities make for long, sleepless nights until the morning comes with little relief and no release from the agonizing realization that my marriage, my children and my life are slowly slipping out of my grasp.  So lonely.

Faith.  God.  Parenting.   A tangled web connected only in my own eyes. If I look hard enough or stare long enough or think enough will it magically appear?  What do I believe in?  Or do I anymore?  Should I pass on my confusion just as my parents passed on theirs?  Can I reject an entire way of life?  Is there any understanding on this path?  Searching for answers.  Not sure if there are any answers that don’t come with guilt and fear or rejection.

Money.  It always comes down to money.  What can I afford to not to pay this month?  Should I tell my spouse about this past due bill?  Will I ever dig us out of this mess?  No hope for the poor.  I can go to the grocery store with my list in hand weeding out what must be bought and what can wait.  Do we really need bread?  Can we skip dinner a few nights?  So glad it’s a holiday so we can go to the family dinner and bring home the leftovers.  I did not sign up for this.

My child.  What did I do wrong?  I know I am not perfect but I care.  I know I make mistakes but I am doing the best I can.  How is it that other parents are abusive or negligent and their children are fine?  Why does MY child misbehave?  I am a good parent–I think.  Oh God, I hope it’s not the school calling (again).

I’m tired.  So tired.  I just need a break.  I am getting too old for this.  I’ve done my job.  I just want to escape.  To diddle the day away with my own pursuits…not solving everything for everyone.  I’m scared.  I’m stressed and I just need some  time for me.  Always taking care of everyone else.  Never meeting my own needs.  I’m so tired.

Is he going to be okay?  Oh God, please don’t let it be bad.  Please don’t let it mean…What will I do?  How can I shove everything into the time we have left?  Ohgodplease,please,pleaseletitbeokay.  Please let him be okay.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 at 5:54 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.